"Codeine Diet"

On a codeine diet!

Baby lover, I see that you are worried about my choice of music.

Last time in the room, you saw me nodding my head melodiously as I listened to Duro Ikujenyo and The Age of Aquarius music.

I knew it was boring to you and I noticed that you didn't like it. So, I played Fela Kuti's "Look and Laugh".

I thought his comical lyrics and deep instrumentations would tickle your fancy. But your head was still down. I wondered what has befalling you.

Anyone can be a jerk. But my kind is rare.

Just like Faze sang that...

"Khaki nor be leather,
Originality (...nality),
Mo ti wà tipé tipé (I've been around for some time),
Just to tell you how far"

First, you need to know why my love for Afro beat is on a pinnacle. I went to a blabbing school and our teachers beat us in the African way.

At a stage, "egba 'yén yi món wa lára gan" meaning that "our skin adapted to the strokes to the extent that we didn't feel much pain any longer."

You need to know something about a teacher called "O' j'ore" meaning "You will chop cane".

He was the Physical and Health Education teacher. He has nothing much to do other than to take us practical sport classes once in a week.

"O' j'ore" would be on patrol with fat canes and his wild eyes, scanning for scape goats he could vex his anger upon.

You may also need to know "Papa Ajasco". His red eye balls and wrinkled forehead could make you forget your name in a flash.

One black day that the Maths teacher caught me doing "Break dance" at the corridor while a class was going on, he made me dance "Galala" round all the classes.

The most painful part, being that I was asked to dance in the class where my crush was. (Roll my eyes)

I did my "Dance of Shame" while I received the beating of my life in an African style.

You see why I love Fela's "Suffering and Smiling" song. We don't like these teachers but when we meet them by the way, we would worship them like demigods.

It is however true that reverence without love is nothing else but fear.

I love Afrobeat. Don't blame me. Put it on my school teachers. I have received enough afro-beating of my life. Now, let me enjoy the "shakiti" melody on the other side.

You should know that my "Water no get enemy" again.

But now that you don't like Afro beat music, how do you want me to chew the cud of my old school memories? Hian!

And besides, you need to know the time and passion it afforded me to master that Beautiful Nubia's "Seven lives" lyrics.

When the song was still fresh in the market, I would sing "Seven gold...Seven hmmm"

In that song then, all I know was that "Seven carried seven something". I would bite my tongue at some point and skillfully end it with the "I'm an African boy" line.


I can understand your predicament. You were just a baby girl when Daddy Shokey came to Ibadan on a musical tour.

When everyone in the ghetto were singing..

"Daddy come... Daddy come, Daddy come, Daddy Come, Daddy Shokey yeah... Come back again... Daddy come!"

I know you can't do afro beat dance.

You don't even know how to move your shoulder blades with your hands back-crossed in a police style while bending low with your toes tipped at the same time.

I wish I could send you back to those good old times so you could have a glimpse of what I'm talking about.

I know you must be part of the playful "Omode Meta" (Three Children) that the "Remedies" sang about at the time.

Though you may not know anything about Afrobeat but you should know about how it teaches people to love.

I think I should play you Orlando Julius and the Heliocentric music... Especially the "Ololufe" and "Columbia" songs, so you can experience how the saxophone aficionado expressed love in his own eccentricities.

Let it be known that there will be no "shaku shaku" in this house and no one will be on a "Codeine diet".

If I like, I can listen to "Don Moen" "Hillsong" or "Michael W Smith" to my religious appeal and "Tope Alabi" for our indigenous spiritual refreshment.

If I like...

But, please don't invite the "mafia boys" and the "shepeteri" crew to our house if you don't want us to have "problem".

You can dance "Legbegbe", if you like. You own your legs.

And you can also listen to "Gbedu wey dey burst brain". Shebi it is your brain?

December is coming again. Note that you can't go to House on The Rock "Experience" and Falz "Experience" together. You must "experience" one thing this year. You have to choose one.

And we need to assist Mattson on his Use of English. He needs to be corrected that it is "Bad, Worse, Worst" and not "Bad, Baddo, Baddest".

All these "Skelewu" stunts are not really helping his grammatical formation. He needs to brace up so that he can represent us well.

I just hope this musical paparazzi will not delay our dinner.

After all, we are not on a codeine diet.

Pass me the calabash.

We live here.

Written by Matt Oyewumi

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